My First Failure

I was in 10th class and was really bad in maths & science. I was good at languages and a little better in history, geography. So my parents decided for me to opt for private tuition classes. Usually, the same teachers in the school who would teach you that subject were taking private tuition at their home. All my classmates were going for private tuitions to Mone Sir. He was my favourite teacher and he still is. He knew very well how to teach in a fun way. So I joined his tuition which would start at 07.30 in the morning. We all would reach there by 07.15 on our cycles. Once the previous batch would get over we used to go in. Classes were taken on the first floor of his home. He would often ask us to walk slowly on the wooden staircase as it would make a lot of noise. I would always sit at the last row because he mostly asked questions to the students sitting the front row. I wasn't good in those subject so usually would hide behind my friends once he would start searching for students whom he wants to ask a question. I wasn't interested in maths & science but I loved the way he uses to teach, tell stories and make us laugh. So my sole purpose to go there was for entertainment and also to see the beautiful girls from my class. I was enough distracted for the seriousness of the board exams.

One day Mone Sir asked me to call my parents to meet him. In the evening I and my mom went to his home. He had a small room outside which he had turned into a science library. We sat there in front of him. Then he started telling my mom how bad I was in studies and he wasn't seeing any hope for me. He told my mom with all the seriousness that, "I promise you, your son is going to fail in the board exam." We came home and then I had a very long lecture from mom. She bought me dozens of workbooks and guides to study. And the military training started. I would be forced to wake up at 5 am and study. The whole day was planned according to the time table and it was stuck on the wall for me. I didn't find any motivation or enjoyment in studying those boring subjects. I would rather love to read stories and look at the pictures in the book. Whenever I used to pick up any new book to read, my first thing was to see all the pictures in the book. I would hide comic books inside my study books and read them. My favourites were Champak, Thak Thak, Chandoba, Panchatantra. I was fascinated by stories and different characters in them. But I was pushed hard to study.

On the result day, I went to collect my mark sheet from school. I had that thought in my mind of what Mone Sir had told my mom that your son is going to fail. When I got my mark sheet I found that I was passed and had scored 59.7%. My first class was missed by a couple of marks. But I was very happy that I passed considering the fact that I wasn't bright in studies. I came home happy and showed my mom the result. She was shocked to see that I had passed. She immediately called my dad and told him that I was passed and had scored 75%. So I told her its 59.7% and not 75%. She asked me to keep quiet. Later she told me, "If anybody asks you how much you scored, tell them 75%." I asked her in complete shock as to why lie. Her reply was equally shocking. She said, "What will people think if they come to know that you scored only 59.7%." I wasn't accepted for who I was. Hundreds of questions were spinning in my head. Why was it necessary to show a fake achievement to society? Why you cannot accept the reality? What was the reason to impress people by showing them who you were not? Why was so much inferiority associated with low marks? And how can you live with this lie your whole life? How can you accept the rewards & compliments for which you were not deserving?

Putting this virus of "You are not good enough" in my young mind wasn't enough. So I was paraded to all my relatives and parent's friends to show off my fake achievement. Everyone would congratulate me & give me money as a gift for scoring a distinction in board exams. I would sit keeping my head down in shame for living the life of a lier. I was getting sick and tired of that parade where my parent's ego was getting fed through a lie. As a kid, we all look up to our parents as Gods. And when God tell you that you are not good enough and you are not accepted as who you are. That is when you fall in the trap of self-limiting beliefs. Everyone has their own social conditioning to seek approval from society. So did my parents. Especially after coming from a poor background and then later making a decent living. My celebration of passing 10th class lasted only for a few moments from the time when I got my mark sheet and till I reached home. I was a failure in my mind even though I had passed with all the odds against me.

The Only Failure Is When You Fail In Your Own Eyes.