Life Without A Purpose

It was more than two months that travellers had stopped coming to Salli due to off-season. Madhu would find some work in the kitchen or in the garden to keep herself busy. Also, Chit chatting with neighbours and passerby villagers would keep her sane in those workless days. Noor, as usual, wouldn't need anyone. She would roam around the house, talking to herself and playing with toys. It was me who would get frustrated by too much of free time. A man was built to work and not to just sit idle. My initial plan to work on online fitness coaching and stock market trading was long lost. I had tasted enough of hippie life to not to go back to the previous career options. Everything in my life was going great except for a stable career. I didn't mind spending my whole life like a hippie as long as my income was decent and stable. I would often sit in the porch looking at the mountain cluelessly of what to do. A sense of worthlessness was sinking in, and everyone could feel the dark energy arising in me. 

Since the hunter gatherer's time, the man was the provider. He would go out, hunt the animal and bring home food. Men were built to fight, to perform, to achieve, to stay disciplined, and to work on their mission. That masculine energy was fading away in me. We need a balance of both feminine and masculine energy in our life. I was getting soaked in self-doubt and inertia day by day. Wandering in the mountains aimlessly, walking through the streams, spending hours sitting on the rocks, watching the sunset and then returning home hopelessly, became my routine. I was getting sucked into the self-created black hole. I had lost most of my muscle and had become thin like a stick. That was hard to believe that it was me who had trained hundreds of people to become fit. And now it was me who actually needed fitness guidance. I had no desire to do anything except mourn in despair. Once upon the beautiful looking mountains were now losing their shine in my eyes. I had created hell for myself in the midst of heaven.

 

Nobody ever demanded monetary support from me. Neither my parents nor Madhu. My pain was about not having the capability to support them if such time comes. I was nearing on finishing my savings. I had decided since the beginning not to share profits in the guesthouse business. As I had not made any investment in the business and that was run solely by Madhu. My initial plan was to help her a little bit here and there and keep my own career in place without getting dependent on anyone. A stable career with a decent income was the spine of a man. Self-worth, self-image and confidence of a man were directly derived from what a man does for his living. The man was known for his work and not for his lifestyle. I was getting weak in my spine. Nobody had stopped me from going after building my own career except my own inertia and self-doubt. After enjoying the peaks of the mountains, now I was witnessing the deep valley. 

My only solace in those time was Noor. She was way too mature for a six-year-old kid. Her talks would take me out of my head filled with nagging thoughts. I would go on walks with her. While she would share her cute little perspectives on things, it would bring me back to the present. She loved playing in the water so we would go to the pool in front of our house. I would pick her up and act like I would throw her into the pool. She would giggle and get scared with complete trust that I won't throw her. Picking her up would feel like I was picking myself only up from the loser mindset. When she would see me sad, she would offer me her pearls of wisdom. I remember once she said, 'Maratha if you make more friends you will be happier.' I was surprised by her mature comment and smiling asked her back, 'How to make friends, Noor?' Her reply was even better than her first comment. She said, 'I can tell you what I do. I share my things with those with whom I want to become friends. I share my pencil, eraser, sharpener, chocolates etc. with them, then they like me, and we become friends. So share if you want to make friends.' I was speechless to listen to her talk like a grown-up person. Noor was definitely the next version of Madhu.

Child Was Father Of The Man.