Fitness Journey

I am resuming writing after 4 long years. Last time I took up writing it was all about some adventurous and memorable stories from my life. This time it is going to be about my fitness journey. What got me into fitness, what kept me going and how it changed my life.

Everyone discovers fitness in school through some kind of sports or games. I was an enthusiastic kid when it came to playing. Studying did not quite get a hold on me. It was all about getting marks and passing to the next class. No love for any subject. Being with friends and life outside the classroom was my thing. I cannot blame this on the teachers for bad teaching style as many of friends were studious and loved subjects. When I was not with friends I would be in my own world, lost in thoughts. A happy kid who preferred wandering, connecting, imagining than following a routine and studying. It was impossible for me to sit in one place for long time. I had to move as if my tail was on fire. I loved people, movement, and connections. These were the early signs that I was not made for 9 to 5 cubicle life. This behavior is not accepted at schools and home. Kids are shamed for this and so was I. When you come from a middle-class household your reason to go to school, college is to get good marks and find a job. This is the survival game. Love and understanding the subject often takes back seat. I was not interested in superficial things like running in the marks race. I did not see any point in the whole system of school and college. All I saw was most friends running for marks with no love for the subject. No subject could interest me. Friends, playing, reading comic books was all I loved.

When the child does not get good marks, teachers complain and then Indian parents resort to the favorite easy options like hitting, shaming, guilt tripping. Parents cannot be entirely blamed as their parents also had treated them the same or even worse. It is a cultural issue. Parents way of handling things might be wrong but their intentions are always good. They want their child to grow, prosper, settle down, be independent. They do not want their child to suffer what they had suffered. And the only way to do this is get good marks and find a job. This is the understanding of their entire generation. No one to be blamed. But this shaming, guilt tripping took me even far away from studies. When shame and guilt become your core belief system then the life takes a different turn. Your identity is formed on a toxic foundation. Identity is everything. Who you think you are deep down determines your life choices and overall experience of life. Now when I look back, I think things got pretty messed up in those early years. My entire nervous system was trained in sympathetic mode which is fight or flight stress mode. Food for my brain was, you are not good enough; you are the reason for bad things; you do not deserve. This core identity is the perfect recipe for disastrous life choices. You start hating responsibility and freedom becomes your only solace.

Fitness was a life savior for me. It kept me sane. Lifting heavy weights somehow calmed me down. I could feel the freedom I always craved. Weights do not judge you if you pick small ones or big ones. It is your mind who has a PhD in judging. I could be myself again. No shame, no guilt. Lifting weights reduce your stress, release endorphins, calms your nervous system. 100 kg weight on your shoulder is a big responsibility when you are doing squats. Weight is crushing you down but you refuse to give up and push that weight up with all your might. And you keep doing for 10 repetitions. Barbell tests your character, your integrity. Lifting weight made me realize that I was not running away from responsibility but from shame and guilt associated with responsibility. Gym is not a place for me to show off. It is my meditation ground where character is built, identity is forged and new rules are written for an empowered life.

More stories to come…