I am resuming writing after 4 long years. Last time I took up writing it was all about some adventurous and memorable stories from my life. This time it is going to be about my fitness journey. What got me into fitness, what kept me going and how it changed my life.
Everyone discovers fitness in school through some kind of
sports or games. I was an enthusiastic kid when it came to playing. Studying
did not quite get a hold on me. It was all about getting marks and passing to
the next class. No love for any subject. Being with friends and life outside the
classroom was my thing. I cannot blame this on the teachers for bad teaching style
as many of friends were studious and loved subjects. When I was not with friends
I would be in my own world, lost in thoughts. A happy kid who preferred
wandering, connecting, imagining than following a routine and studying. It was
impossible for me to sit in one place for long time. I had to move as if my
tail was on fire. I loved people, movement, and connections. These were the
early signs that I was not made for 9 to 5 cubicle life. This behavior is not
accepted at schools and home. Kids are shamed for this and so was I. When you
come from a middle-class household your reason to go to school, college is to
get good marks and find a job. This is the survival game. Love and understanding
the subject often takes back seat. I was not interested in superficial things
like running in the marks race. I did not see any point in the whole system of
school and college. All I saw was most friends running for marks with no love for
the subject. No subject could interest me. Friends, playing, reading comic
books was all I loved.
When the child does not get good marks, teachers complain and
then Indian parents resort to the favorite easy options like hitting, shaming,
guilt tripping. Parents cannot be entirely blamed as their parents also had
treated them the same or even worse. It is a cultural issue. Parents way of
handling things might be wrong but their intentions are always good. They want
their child to grow, prosper, settle down, be independent. They do not want their
child to suffer what they had suffered. And the only way to do this is get good
marks and find a job. This is the understanding of their entire generation. No
one to be blamed. But this shaming, guilt tripping took me even far away from
studies. When shame and guilt become your core belief system then the life takes
a different turn. Your identity is formed on a toxic foundation. Identity is
everything. Who you think you are deep down determines your life choices and overall
experience of life. Now when I look back, I think things got pretty messed up in
those early years. My entire nervous system was trained in sympathetic mode
which is fight or flight stress mode. Food for my brain was, you are not good enough;
you are the reason for bad things; you do not deserve. This core identity is the
perfect recipe for disastrous life choices. You start hating responsibility and
freedom becomes your only solace.
Fitness was a life savior for me. It kept me sane. Lifting
heavy weights somehow calmed me down. I could feel the freedom I always craved.
Weights do not judge you if you pick small ones or big ones. It is your mind who
has a PhD in judging. I could be myself again. No shame, no guilt. Lifting weights
reduce your stress, release endorphins, calms your nervous system. 100 kg weight
on your shoulder is a big responsibility when you are doing squats. Weight is crushing
you down but you refuse to give up and push that weight up with all your might.
And you keep doing for 10 repetitions. Barbell tests your character, your
integrity. Lifting weight made me realize that I was not running away from responsibility
but from shame and guilt associated with responsibility. Gym is not a place for
me to show off. It is my meditation ground where character is built, identity
is forged and new rules are written for an empowered life.
More stories to come…
